Completion

I've been putting off writing this post both partly because I don't want to admit that I've reached this point and partly because I was trying to give myself distance to absorb it.  But as school has still been plaguing my dreams, I guess there's nothing to do but say it -- I graduated.

I know, I know, I sound ridiculous.  But think about it.  My entire life has been about school.  From age four to last week school has been an all-consuming obsession.  I've never gone more than two months without attending school.  And my fiance has never known me when I was not stressing out about something related to graduate school.  School is was basically my life and I have no idea who I am without that.

When I was in tenth grade I realized that I had a knack for history.  Ever since I was a child my dad told me stories and read books to me, introducing me to two very important world, that of literature and that of history.  He read to me not only the classics, but long forgotten books of his own childhood, some written by members of our own family.  I love a good book, but I quickly realized that what I really love is uncovering fantastic stories that were actually true.  By middle school I had read the entire children's biography section at my local library (which is surprisingly extensive) and had moved on to more advanced material.  In sixth grade I was assigned a biographical essay on Aristotle that involved digging through the card catalog for hours on end.  On that fateful day when my teacher (who would leave our school soon after to go pursue his own masters degree) assigned our first book review I went home and asked my father for suggestions.  A year later I was in need of another historical text, which he supplied with The Devil in the White City.  I received the history award for the second time that year and decided that not only would I be majoring in history in college, but I would go to graduate school.

In college I was almost derailed by the kind of life events that every young adult must face, but I survived and thrived in an environment that supported my love of research and telling stories.  I met two amazing women, Dr. R and Dr. S, my English and History professors, who made such a big impact on my studies that they drove two hours to attend my graduation.  They became not only my mentors, but also my friends, and I found great support for my goals through my academic departments.  Three years after the start of college I graduated, moved to the coast, and started grad school, immersed in a new library and finding new ways to tell the stories I uncovered in archives and library repositories.  I found new friends who were just as passionate as me, new mentors who would push me until I would reach my breaking point and then finally break through to new understandings, new students who would challenge my patience and make me realize why I love what I do, and new stories to share with those around me.

So, you see, this graduation isn't just the end of grad school, it's the end of 17 years of work, pushing myself to get to this point.  My thesis is not just the culmination of my own achievements, but has been my chance to tell a truly unique story that had been largely overlooked. It is a connection between me and all of the storytellers that have come before and will follow me.  And when our department chair asked us to look around at the people who had supported us through this process, I saw my dad and started to cry, because this was just as much a culmination of his legacy (and tons of my mom's patience) as it has been my effort.

I have no idea where I go from here professionally, but I am determined to keep finding ways to tell new stories as well as the old ones I love so much, even if it is just right here in my little corner of the internet.

Life in Progress

First off, I feel like I should apologize for the unannounced blog hiatus.  It was intentional, but by the time I made the decision I did not have the time to give notice.  For those of you still reading, thanks for sticking with me.  I don't anticipate another extended break.

Why was I on hiatus you ask?  Well, funny story.  I am in my fourth, and theoretically last, semester of graduate school.  This is the semester in which you (the graduate student) are supposed to stop eating, sleeping, and wasting time on personal hygiene concerns so that you can complete, edit, and defend your thesis.  It is the semester from hell in a way that those not in the graduate school world often do not seem to understand.  You basically have an entire semester to do nothing but work on said thesis, a personally developed project that you alone design and set constrains for.  Not a bad deal, right?

I've spent the past 2-3 months charging into the breach, trying to accomplish this task.  I've made myself physically ill, turned my apartment into a scene from Hoarders, alienated friends and family, and basically been a major bitca to be around (Mom, call me for an explanation of the Buffy reference).  Through all of this, I've struggled to avoid daily panic attacks and serious self-destruction.  My quality of work, though a significant amount of output, began to decline.  I struggled to remember what I was trying to accomplish.  Every day felt like five and any sleep I managed to score was so fitful that I would wake up more exhausted than when I went to sleep.

Yesterday marked the one month point.  One month until the first (and virtually final) draft must be completed.  Last week I met with my committee head to discuss my progress.  She was very encouraging and helped me to get a better grasp of where my thesis was heading. During the hour I spent in her office I finally was able to sketch out a clear map of what I want to accomplish.  The flip side to all of this clarity?  I was able to see all of the gaping holes in my knowledge.  Not because I  have been slacking off but because I picked an excellent subject that I am passionate about but that falls into an area that is different from that which I worked for the past three semesters.

Long story short?  I am taking an extra semester.  It is both a liberating and devastating decision to make.  It gives me the freedom to research thoroughly and produce what I hope will be an excellent product.  At the same time, it means that I've exceeded the amount of time allotted to me.  It doesn't matter in some ways that only a few students are able to finish in four semesters and that these are generally not students working in a new subject area.  I am the girl who took four AP classes in a single year while juggling several extra curriculars.  I am the student who finished undergrad in three years rather than the more and more frequent five.  Not that I criticize those who have not done this or taken extra time, I just always expect myself to push the limits of what it is possible to accomplish.

This all probably seems to personal for this space.  And it is.  But I think know that it is an important part of my own life and one that many others have had to experience be they students or not.  And I think it is important to know that through all of this, I have not stopped knitting.  My progress slowed, but I did hold on to knitting as a way to process my own thoughts.  It is still the best therapy that I know.  Just as I have grown to understand that I really do need to knit gauge swatches before starting a large project, I needed to accept that I need to take the time to fully understand my thesis.  I needed to take the time to play with my materials, understand what threads I am bringing together, what project I intend to make, and how these pieces fit together.

See?  It always comes back to knitting.

Triangular Finances

Today I did something I always feel apprehensive doing -- I took a financial leap of faith.  I'm a planner.  I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going.  There's a lot of room for spontaneity when I get my work done, but there is no room for spontaneity in my finances.  But today I went to school an hour early and cancelled my loan for the spring semester.  Of course I have to take my car in for repairs tomorrow, but I have enough saved up that I should be able to afford it.  We'll see.  I don't think people realize how badly in debt students unwittingly go, but I'll save my rant about the allocation of aid money for another day.  In any case, between my scholarship and paycheck I decided to risk it.

When I got to the office, the councilor I worked with complemented me on my mitts.  When I mentioned that I knit them she got very excited.  Evidentially she and another woman in the office both knit, so when we were done she dragged me down to her coworkers office to show her my mitts and the hat and scarf I was wearing.  It totally made my day.  I'm not sure even my family has been so excited about my knitwear.

I was so bundled up today because the temperature has finally dropped into the twenties.  With the wind, it's been quite a biting cold.  So today I adopted a fashion trend I have seen a lot lately but have never really thought I would like.  The triangle scarf.

This is my Wonder Shawl that I wore to our end of semester party in May.  I usually don't directly match my hats and scarves, but for some reason when I put on my Top Model Hat I decided to give it a try.  I actually tried this for the first time last week and found it to be quite to my liking.  I think it's the hair cut.

In any case, I now find myself a little obsessed with the triangle scarf or small shawl look.  But I only have the one shawl.  Now I'm looking at Stephen West's stuff with new eyes.  I always thought his stuff looked nice, but never felt any particular attachment to them.  But now!  Now I am falling down the rabbit hole.  As soon as Christmas knitting is complete I have a feeling I will be spending a little too much on patterns and knitting up my sock yarn.

The Return

Sorry for long silence. The week before Thanksgiving my computer decided to make my life a living hell and short out the fan. Right in the middle of the most stressful part of the semester. Guess that's what I get for naming my computer after a Dollhouse character.

Here's a few photos of what life's been like and all the craziness you should be glad you've missed out on:

Grading, grading, and more grading. Boy am I glad that's done for the semester.

Malabrigo stress breaks,

Amid late nights spent buried under piles of research (yes, that's Princess Diaries. I was looking at using it for an example in my paper but unfortunately it didn't suit the subject matter)

Thanks to comps, I wasn't able to go home for Thanksgiving. But my family came here instead. One of the advantages of living here in a sprawling metropolis? We got to cut an hour off the travel time for Black Friday, a day in which we go buy one or two things and then marvel at the crazy hordes of people. My sister really wanted that giant makeup kit for $15.

No pictures of Thanksgiving food, we ate too fast, but this is my favorite way to use up the leftovers.

Friday was a day of support for young girls everywhere who might feel outcast because of their geek love. This was done in honor of Katie, a now famous first-grader, who was made fun of by the boys because she loves Star Wars. The outpouring of support has been quite impressive to people who are not part of the female geek community. Unfortunately far too many women and girls feel the need to hide their love of Star Wars, BSG, comics, etc. I hope that this story helps continue to change the way people view women and the geek community.

Me? I just can't hide my geek pride, any day of the year. This is actually the tank from the new Boba Fett sleep set over at Her Universe. I turned it into a party outfit because I truly do have a "Boba Fett-ish"

It's the start of the Christmas season! Wednesday I indulged in one of my favorite traditions -- peppermint chocolate ice cream. This isn't the peppermint flavored ice cream you get at the store. Instead I buy the individually wrapped peppermints and crush them over vanilla ice cream. Add some fudge (or chocolate sauce if you have it handy) and it's Christmas in a bowl!

This little terror looks so innocent. . . . Until he drug out my yarn and tangled it all up and down the staircase. . . .

Who Da Man?

I found out yesterday, but . . .

I passed my major comprehensive exams!

Very Un-American Football

In case you were wondering what grad school is like when we're not spending five million hours in the library surrounded by a fort of dusty old books:

See all those tiny people?  That's our history department intramural soccer team.  I played on the softball team last semester (which was a funny sight, let me tell you), but I do not play soccer.  I don't even like soccer.  But it was a lot of fun sitting and watching my fellow grad students run around.  And the girls kept me entertained.

Our team is the Red Scare, because we are, obviously, a bunch of history geeks.  And yes, I had some hand in the name.  That's what they get for putting together everything and asking the two Soviet students for their input.  So those of us not on the team show up in our obnoxious jerseys and, if you're me, yell unrelated Russian words at the players. Though mostly I focused on taking goofy pictures with someone else's camera (never leave a camera in our possession unless you want "foot + ball = soccer" pictures).  

And the featherweight cardi made another appearance.  Sadly, no one commented on the appropriateness of the color.  I felt very themed.

Привет!

Did you miss us?

We took a short break because my friend Taryn came to town to meet with her thesis committee and slept on my couch for the past few days.  There was also a surprise birthday party thrown into the mix.

And Sunday was the start of . . . football season!  In case you haven't figured it out by now I am a rabid fan of the Carolina Panthers (so is Luke, just look at what he's wearing these days).  We may have lost our first game in outstanding fashion, but I was not able to watch so it doesn't count.  Right?  All I care right now is that we win our next one.  Chris and I are going with my parents, so expect a full report soon.

More exciting life news (how does it get more exciting than football?), I passed my language exam!  In my grad program you have to pass a translation proficiency test in a foreign language at least semester before you plan to defend your thesis.  Basically they give you a photocopy of a primary text, a few pieces of paper, tell you to bring your own dictionary, and give you an hour and a half to translate the entire document.  This is why I spent the summer in Pittsburgh, because if I did not pass this semester I would not be able to defend my thesis and graduate in May.

My dictionary, purchased in 2005 when I decided I wanted to study Soviet history

The only problem with passing?  Now I have no excuse not to finish!

PS: Did you enjoy the last post?  Her Universe actually linked it in their twitter feed!  Talk about something exciting and encouraging to see before I went to my language exam.